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Saturday 06 December 2025 22:11:39 GMT
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Helping a child process loss or trauma is a delicate balance. It can be easy to err on extremes of pushing them too hard or not addressing their feelings sufficiently. Our job isn’t to read their minds and know the perfect thing to say; our job is to be present, undistracted, and providing a safe space for them to express their emotions at their own pace. A few practical suggestions to aid this journey: For toddlers, it can be helpful to focus on bottom-up regulation strategies— those are activities that focus on soothing their bodies to calm their minds. This could include: - Gentle touch: Warm, comforting hugs or being held by a trusted adult. - Physical Play: Physical activities like running, dancing, or jumping that helps them channel their energy. - Sensory comfort: Activities that induce calmness like listening to serene music or cuddling with a beloved toy. For preschoolers and early elementary-aged children, mix in some top-down strategies that help to calm their minds. Some suggestions: - Imaginative play: Facilitate an environment where their imaginations can roam freely to explore, express, and even confront their feelings of grief or trauma in their own unique, creative ways. - Deep breathing exercises: taking them through methods of deep, slow breaths can help calm their body and mind. - Age-appropriate conversation: Engage them in dialogues about their feelings, allowing them to close or continue the conversation as they feel comfortable. Lastly, pay special attention to their momentary emotional needs as they will change day by day. There will be times when they’re especially irritable or non-compliant— this is part of their grieving process. These moments are best met with presence, warmth, and gentle guidance, one small moment at a time. #grief #parenting #parentingadvice #loss #processingtrauma #matthiasjbarker #childhoodtrauma #childhoodloss
Helping a child process loss or trauma is a delicate balance. It can be easy to err on extremes of pushing them too hard or not addressing their feelings sufficiently. Our job isn’t to read their minds and know the perfect thing to say; our job is to be present, undistracted, and providing a safe space for them to express their emotions at their own pace. A few practical suggestions to aid this journey: For toddlers, it can be helpful to focus on bottom-up regulation strategies— those are activities that focus on soothing their bodies to calm their minds. This could include: - Gentle touch: Warm, comforting hugs or being held by a trusted adult. - Physical Play: Physical activities like running, dancing, or jumping that helps them channel their energy. - Sensory comfort: Activities that induce calmness like listening to serene music or cuddling with a beloved toy. For preschoolers and early elementary-aged children, mix in some top-down strategies that help to calm their minds. Some suggestions: - Imaginative play: Facilitate an environment where their imaginations can roam freely to explore, express, and even confront their feelings of grief or trauma in their own unique, creative ways. - Deep breathing exercises: taking them through methods of deep, slow breaths can help calm their body and mind. - Age-appropriate conversation: Engage them in dialogues about their feelings, allowing them to close or continue the conversation as they feel comfortable. Lastly, pay special attention to their momentary emotional needs as they will change day by day. There will be times when they’re especially irritable or non-compliant— this is part of their grieving process. These moments are best met with presence, warmth, and gentle guidance, one small moment at a time. #grief #parenting #parentingadvice #loss #processingtrauma #matthiasjbarker #childhoodtrauma #childhoodloss
It’s important to hold in mind that this isn’t exactly conscious. Someone who would self-identify as a “people pleaser” wouldn't then follow up with “I really only move towards people in ways that make me feel okay.“ But when we zoom out and look at the pattern of our behavior, the emotional infrastructure underlying our anxiousness or compulsions to please…we find fear at the bottom. The people pleasing behavior is activated to sooth and fix the fear. This is revealed when we go a few layers deeper: For example: “I have to help them move, they’re my friend. That’s what a good friend would do. I know I haven’t slept well or gotten quality time with my partner lately but I can’t just say no without a good reason!” Question: what are you afraid would happen if you said no? “If I say no, they’ll really be left hanging. I wouldn’t feel right about not being there for someone.” Question: Then what would happen? They’re left hanging…what next?  “What if they feel mad at me?” “What if they think I’m just lazy or unhelpful or not there for them.” Answer: They might withdraw, they might misunderstand, they might feel all alone. Pay attention room to what comes up for you in that. It may reveal a deeper motivation. What if your aid is MORE about avoiding the catastrophe of being withdrawn from, unseen, or alone? What would it look like to heal the loneliness or abandonment in your own heart so it doesn’t animate your closest relationships? What kind of connection could that free you up to experience? Imagine what it would be like for your friends and loved ones to receive your help out of the overflow of your affection for them RATHER than from a place of emotional need? Music by Trevor Kowalski
It’s important to hold in mind that this isn’t exactly conscious. Someone who would self-identify as a “people pleaser” wouldn't then follow up with “I really only move towards people in ways that make me feel okay.“ But when we zoom out and look at the pattern of our behavior, the emotional infrastructure underlying our anxiousness or compulsions to please…we find fear at the bottom. The people pleasing behavior is activated to sooth and fix the fear. This is revealed when we go a few layers deeper: For example: “I have to help them move, they’re my friend. That’s what a good friend would do. I know I haven’t slept well or gotten quality time with my partner lately but I can’t just say no without a good reason!” Question: what are you afraid would happen if you said no? “If I say no, they’ll really be left hanging. I wouldn’t feel right about not being there for someone.” Question: Then what would happen? They’re left hanging…what next? “What if they feel mad at me?” “What if they think I’m just lazy or unhelpful or not there for them.” Answer: They might withdraw, they might misunderstand, they might feel all alone. Pay attention room to what comes up for you in that. It may reveal a deeper motivation. What if your aid is MORE about avoiding the catastrophe of being withdrawn from, unseen, or alone? What would it look like to heal the loneliness or abandonment in your own heart so it doesn’t animate your closest relationships? What kind of connection could that free you up to experience? Imagine what it would be like for your friends and loved ones to receive your help out of the overflow of your affection for them RATHER than from a place of emotional need? Music by Trevor Kowalski

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