@alyssabrackins: Going through postpartum without having your baby in your arms is a feeling I wish no one had to experience. It’s a different type of grief. The pain in your chest because it thinks it’s time to breastfeed. Waiting for a 6 week check up that you have no baby to show for. Sleepless nights not because your baby is crying but because you’re crying and missing your baby so much. The pain and discomfort of all your organs moving back into place but not having a baby to cuddle to make it seem worth it. Seeing people for the first time after having a baby and having to relive telling a story or people who don’t know what happened asking where your belly is. Having to cancel the baby shower venue and delete all the pregnancy update apps from your phone. Canceling the rest of your baby check up appointments. Or having a virtual follow up visit with a doctor who didn’t read your chart and they ask how you and baby are doing but you have to awkwardly tell them there’s no baby. Going back out into the world and seeing pregnant mommas and happy babies. Or the anger that comes with asking why other people get babies and I don’t. The one thing I’ve been able to count on, aside from God, is my husband. I’ve never been loved as deeply as he loves me. Watching him fight for my life and our daughters. Watching him fight for answers for why what happened, happened. How he has held me with every tear and made sure I’ve felt safe valued and seen. Olive would’ve had the best daddy. I say all this to say, this sucks.
