@matteheron: I always get to this point where I feel like I’ve exhausted every possible thought or word I have left in me regarding his absence. I sit in silence most days. But then all it takes is that random, strange, yet familiar feeling, and I go on a tirade. At first, I had a lot of guilt for yelling at him on those dark nights. I’d cold stop and start profusely apologizing to him in tears over and over again. I’d tell him I didn’t mean any of it and that I love him. I now see that it’s crucial for me to allow myself to have those moments where I’m angry at him. I have every right to be. Just because I’m angry doesn’t mean I don’t love him still. I’m angry because of how much I love him. I’m angry because of how much meaning he brought into my life. I’m angry because he’s gone. I know I need to let all this energy out. I’m trying my best to do that. Those thoughts I was having frequently in that first month have slowly started to subside. They linger here and there but I don’t let them consume me. I know I’m making him proud every day I choose to get up and live my life.

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2025-07-16 04:04:33

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