cupertino is fucking unfunny :
🚨 EMERGENCY WARNING – JULY 22ND, 2025 🚨
NATIONAL MANGO DAY: GLOBAL IMPACT EVENT
This is not a drill.
On July 22nd, at precisely 6:07 AM and 6:07 PM, an unprecedented convergence event is expected to occur. All signs point toward catastrophic disturbances tied to National Mango Day. What was once a celebration will now become a reckoning.
🔻 KNOWN PHENOMENA 🔻
"Troll Face Phonk" will be heard echoing from the skies, with no known source. If you hear it, it's already too late.
Clocks will begin turning backwards — do not attempt to correct them. Do not trust time.
Certain females may spontaneously combust or detonate — keep distance, do not intervene, seek shelter.
Masons (yes, them) will be fully active. Avoid eye contact. If questioned, lie convincingly.
Aubrey and Mason, in multiple confirmed cities, will be on the hunt. If you see them: RUN.
Baseball fields, sporting goods stores, and anything athletic-related are danger zones. Avoid all at any cost.
🔻 SAFETY DIRECTIVES 🔻
Remain indoors after 6:00 AM and 6:00 PM.
Turn off all smart devices — they will betray you.
Destroy all mangoes in your possession unless you want to be marked.
Say your goodbyes early. There will be no second chances.
If you are in proximity to someone named Mason or Aubrey, you are already compromised.
2025-07-22 01:01:27