@rachgray90: Words cannot explain how shattered my soul is. Yesterday I lost the soul who saved me. my protector, my one constant in this world. When my life was chaos, he was my anchor. When my house was empty, he filled it. When my dreams were too dark to bear, he laid across me and absorbed what my body couldn’t hold. Night after night, when trauma clawed at me from the inside, he stayed pressed against me until I could breathe again. He healed parts of me I didn’t even know could be healed. I’ve never known a love so pure. I’ve never known loyalty like his. He saw the worst of me…the broken, messy, unlovable parts and still I was his whole world. Every single day, he woke up and lived for me. And I lived for him. His last morning he curled into me like he knew that was our last morning. On the drive to the vet for the last time he rested his head on my arm and I knew he was telling me he had to go. Before we left he gave me one last lap at his favorite field he ran until his back legs started to give out thats when i knew. He went to Petco and made new friends. He even had cake. When it was time …I walked into that room with my whole village. The air itself was heavy with love. Alonso, even with his body failing limped from person to person giving everyone one last piece of himself. Every hand reached for him and every voice told him what he loved most “you’re such a good boy.” And then it felt like for a moment it was just me and him. I held his head…kissed his face and whispered, “Give it all to Mommy now. Mommy can handle it.” And in that moment I felt it …the life leaving his body and the weight of his pain pouring into mine so he could finally be free. As he grew lighter I grew heavier. That was my final act of love. Since then, the grief has been relentless. I am inconsolable. My chest aches…my stomach feels sick…my eyes burn from endless tears. I get maybe three minutes of quiet before the wave hits again. I walk through the house and see him everywhere his toys…his blanket…his empty spots and then I remember he’s nowhere. Yesterday I saw his water bowl upstairs, the one I kept there when stairs grew hard for him and I collapsed. I screamed until there was nothing left in me. Nobody tells you about the guilt that comes with this kind of goodbye. The cancer was aggressive, too far for chemo. The steroids gave me a day or two of my boy back my boy before he was sick— a blessing and a curse because I knew it couldn’t last. If I had waited even a little longer I may have had to carry him in. He deserved more than that. He deserved peace. He deserved dignity. I didn’t take his life. Cancer did. What I gave him was release. Alonso, the house is empty without you. Your spot on my bed is cold. Your sister waits at the door for you. She eats her breakfast in the spot you always did now. I took her hiking today and the sun slipped through the trees in a way that felt like you were walking beside us. We talked to you out loud. We hope you heard us. We miss you more than words can say. Please, come visit. Your sissy really misses you. I don’t know how to do life without you my sweet boy, my best friend. But I promise I’ll try. I wont undo all the hard work you put into helping me get this far. I’ll take care of maliha and I’ll be strong for you, even when I feel broken. Please send me little signs that you’re at peace now. Let me feel you in the quiet. Meet me in the light. Visit me when I need you most. They say with great love comes great grief and they’re right. B But I would walk through this grief a hundred times over if it meant loving you a hundred times over. If love alone could have saved you you would have lived forever. Rest easy now, my sweet boy. I’ll carry you differently, but I will carry you always. You will always be my good boy. Love, Mom

Rachael

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Sunday 05 October 2025 02:12:08 GMT